Faking your way through sports fandom

By April 28, 2016 Uncategorized

Dear Diana,
I can fake a lot of things, but I’m horrible at pretending to care about my boyfriend’s sports teams. He got a little upset when I heard about Deflategate and asked if Tom Brady had a sexual problem. Help!

Dear Ashley,

Yes, for most of us, it’s easier to fake an orgasm than to fake caring about a first down. We do what we must to help our relationships thrive!


But here’s the secret: He doesn’t want you to fake it. He wants you to feel it…team spirit, that is. The only way to do that if you’re not a truly gifted actor is to do the following (a) know a little about the key players on his team, (b) know a little about what makes the team good or bad that season, and (c) make snacks that keep you in the kitchen for long periods of time. Regarding (c), it gives you time to down a cocktail. Ask anyone who’s ever been to a tailgate party: Alcohol fuels team spirit.


Two and a half years ago, I didn’t know Dallas even had a football team. Now I can tell you what Tony Romo ate for breakfast, and the Texas Rangers’ on base percentage against left-handed pitchers. I can now also accessorize different outfits for every day of the week for both home and away games. This is what happens when the man you love is a sports nut. My boyfriend is definitely from Texas.


When I ran away to Hawaii to marry my first husband, getting into his sport was easy. He was a professional surfer and I already knew how to accessorize a bikini. It’s called a tan. [Let’s break 5 seconds for a serious lesson: I’m a melanoma survivor. Tanning is bad.]


Back to Tony Romo. If you’re going to remember things about players and stats, it helps to tie them into things you know something about. For example, I’m a walking People magazine. I can remember that Romo became the first Cowboys’ quarterback to pass for more than 4,000 yards in a season because he hit that number right after he started dating Jessica Simpson in 2007. And I know the Cowboys won the Super Bowl in 1996 because Diana Ross did the halftime show and I think I know everyone who’s headlined the halftime show since 1993 when Michael Jackson ushered in the era of halftime shows that were actually entertaining. (Let’s just pretend the Black Eyed Peas never showed up, since they sort-of didn’t.)


Now let’s practice. Tom Brady is married to Gisele Bündchen so he couldn’t possibly have a sexual problem. See how easy that was?

Join the discussion One Comment

  • Judith says:

    It sounds like, at this point, you’re doing more than faking an interest. Caring about something someone you care about cares about is easier. Using something you already know as an anchor for what you learn is a great suggestion for a way to begin.